what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
