my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Oh god it's open bar.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
