NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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