you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
