I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
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is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
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you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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