my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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