You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
