I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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