You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
