he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize