ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
