Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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