I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
