I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
