I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
