Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
