then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Dick very happy bro
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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