hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
