I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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