i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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