What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
