Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
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Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
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the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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