Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
