I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
