Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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