It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
