The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Who died my cat blue again?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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