I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
