Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
