nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
