I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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