During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Let's get the cat blown out
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
