There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
