Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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