If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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