After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
