I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
