if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
