She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
