The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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