so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
