i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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