Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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