Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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