All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
