i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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