I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
