I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
