Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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