i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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