smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
