Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
