he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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