Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
