life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
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