i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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